gave up

let’s see, we last left the story on monday. i’d gotten chee home the day before, it was morning, and he was just waking up

well, we interacted three times that day

first was fluffy and light

the second one was a little more intense

he needed help jump-starting his car. in retrospect i really don’t think he meant to be an asshole. but the way he raised the conversation with me was to open with a huge blast of passive aggressive bullshit, and i ended up calling him such

i’d started keeping a list of the things we needed to talk and/or argue about. i added “passive aggressive is still aggressive” to that list

anyway, we got the thing done anyway. it was quite an ordeal for him, because the interlock on his car was mad that it had lost power, and he had to spend like half an hour on the phone getting it reset. for my part i just sat in my truck, vaped, and fiddled with my phone while my engine slowly charged his battery

third time we interacted was when i had to go out and ask him to be a little quiet when i was going to bed. he was on my computer, and just kind of busting out loud sounds now and then. he was acting tipsy, but all he had in front of him was a can of soda. that said, i wouldn’t be surprised if he had a stash and poured something into it, trying to keep it discrete and light so i wouldn’t freak out. anyway, he said “okay sure” and quieted. soon after i think he went to bed too

tuesday was shaping up to be a minimal interaction day. chee was frustrated about stuff, but we each kept to our own end of the house. then sometime early evening he wanders into my room wrapped in a towel, gets clothes and starts putting them on, and says he’s going out for burritos, do i want him to bring me one?

i agree, and thank him for the offer. just generic stuff on it? sure, i’m not picky

then in the very next sentence he’s getting mad at me

i’m not doing enough, he claims. that is, he’s trying and i’m not. so i say if it’s a problem and this is upsetting him, don’t worry about it. he agrees he is getting upset and his words are getting angrier and more intense. so i double on my don’t worry about it then, and he storms off

honestly i didn’t expect him to come back that night, but a couple hours later he did, crept into the house and stayed away from me

seriously, what the actual fuck was that about? i accept his offer and he gets mad at me for doing so?

i have a theory it had nothing to do with that at all. i think he came in after his shower to get clothes, while i’m on my bed and facing the direction of the dresser. he strips naked and puts clothes on right in front of me, and probably is feeling on display. then on top of that he hears himself making an offer to serve me something. i don’t think anything i said at that point would have been the right answer, i think he made himself uncomfortable and then latched on to anything he could find to make it my fault why he was feeling uncomfortable

related thought to this in a bit

if tuesday was low interaction, wednesday then was almost no interaction. i don’t know what time he got to bed, but he slept almost the whole day. sometime early evening he finally got up and started puttering on my computer again

we had an actual good conversation for once!

it was later evening, and i was going past to go pee. we talked momentarily about the light switch. he’s been scared to use the switch to turn the haus lights on and off because he thought it affected my room too. i reassured him that no, it only affects the two rooms out there

i was delighted to actually get to cross something off the list of all the shit we needed to talk about

thursday then, yesterday, i woke up around six in the morning. haus lights were still on. did he forget our entire conversation already?

went to go pee. chee was still up. i comment on that. he says something in return


he sounds high

there’s a tone shift to his voice when he’s high that i can usually pick up on. it’s not perfect, i mean, there’s that time around the start of the month that he snuck past my awareness. but usually i can just hear it in the way he voices his words

i could be wrong, i guess. but then later in the morning when i got up for real he was in bed, not sleeping, just playing dead and buried under the covers. also, i found the shower was still rigged like he’d been cleaning out to go do a hookup. then he stayed in bed, buried under the covers but not asleep, for literally the entire day and night

yup, cheetah’s high again

i found myself going through my journal and working out how much of this he’s done lately

list of cheetah’s drug outings

(to the best of my knowledge)

i’ve counted late-night outings on the evening of the day leading in, not the morning of the next day

  • 03-02 -ish; – this is the one he told me about that i didn’t notice
  • 03-09
  • 03-16 – higher than i’d seen him since he lived in denver
  • 03-19 – psychotic break that next morning
  • 03-24 – self-discharged from hospital this day
  • 03-25
  • 03-30

7 outings in 30 or so days. counting the days between outings we get: 7-ish, 7, 3, 5, 1, and 5

this morning then, he got up pretty much as soon as he heard me acting awake. i went out when i heard noises to check on him, and he was doing some cleaning and starting laundry

we talked a little bit, and yes, he still sounds high

we had another brief conversation after he got a shower and came in to get dressed. unlike the time a few days ago, this time he kept his towel around him and put his undies on under his towel, while simultaneously trying to hold a conversation with me. much more successful this time, he didn’t freak out

i told him it was good to see him up and about. he asked why. i said it felt like he’d given up. he agreed for a couple days he had

but he’s up and doing things today, let’s see where this goes

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