scared and confused

it crushes me to witness cheetah so broken

i spent yesterday crying off and on all day

chee called, twice actually. he said the citadel security guy spent the whole drive flirting with him, and gave him his number. he said he’d be getting out tomorrow – which is now today. he says tearfully he wants to come home. i express doubt and try to suggest he should go stay with his mother for a couple days. he hangs up

today i thought i was doing better. i wasn’t crying, anyway, that’s better, right? i went for a drive this morning to get out of the house

chee called when i was part way back. he called again later in the afternoon

each time he’s telling me he’s getting out. he tells me his plan is to go to [drug hookup house] for a couple days, then come home. i object to this plan. he laughs it off like it’s a joke. i say he should stay where he is for a few days, or if they want him gone, maybe try going home to his family

on the first call, he got upset that i’d express fear about him coming home, and he suddenly had to go and ended the call. on the second call, he told me point blank he’ll be home tomorrow, then ended the call

in that second call, i had told him i was going to call his mother and talk to her. so about ten minutes after chee hangs up on me, i’m on the phone with his mother, and he calls back. so i send his call to voicemail. i now have a grumpy-and-hurt-sounding 51 second voicemail where he accuses me of ignoring him because i’m having time together with “my guy,” and guilt trips me about not taking him in, and tells me he’s going to just float around the city and figure it out

like, how is that supposed to convince me he’s stable and i should let him back into my life?

i mean, he can’t even remember for ten friggen minutes the part where i said point blank “i’m going to call your mom as soon as we’re done talking”

it crushes me to witness him so broken. i’m in tears at knowing my loved one is suffering in a mental ward where he doesn’t want to be. my memories keep flashing back to when mom and i had to finally move dad into the memory care facility, and how unhappy he was. it is tearing me apart

and yet

the merest idea that cheetah will come home tomorrow sends me into a three stage panic

i ran around the house and did more fixing of stuff. i packed a travel bag in case i need to get out fast. i hid his remaining half a handle of whisky where only i’m likely to find it

i brought my stick in from the truck and tucked it next to my bed

i keep thinking of the knife wound through his phone. he tried to tell me it was because he had bad stuff on his phone that he didn’t want anybody to get to. it was right after he talked to me that he made that decision though, and i keep remembering too how his voicemail to me that morning seemed to suddenly cut off halfway through a thought

maybe i should hide my cooking knives too? i mean, i don’t cook these days

i know he’s the most fascinating person to me that i’ve ever met, the only person to whom i’ve ever considered using the word “soulmate” (though i still maintain he’s the one who used that word for me first)

but i’m terrified as fuck at even the idea of being in the same room as him anymore

opinions of others:

the neighbor expressed her concern at living next to cheetah, and hopes he stays in rehab, because he needs help, and she’s been offering me her support if i need anything

mom offered to come out here to give me love and support. i feel care in her offer, but severe no thanks

fox has been sending me video clips to understand that cheetah is a narcissist. it’s kind of pissing me off, i must admit. we know cheetah has narcissistic tendencies. so do i, probably. okay, now how does having a label help with the actual fucking problem?

what do i even see as an ideal outcome?

case 1 - chee and i live happily ever after? not even. he has systematically spit at and tried to tear down every single goal i’ve ever worked toward. i described a few days ago why his antagonism is itself somewhat valuable, but at the end of it, he absolutely will not support me, in anything i have as a goal, at all. there is no room for happily ever after in that

case 2 - chee and i maintain some level of closeness, but do not live together. i think this is the goal i want. i am sick and tired of living defensively, where everything i hold dear must be protected from my partner’s verbal attacks. or when now and then i must be protected from my partner’s physical attacks as well

i guess that means i’m ready to break up

of course, that’s today’s answer. now tomorrow, put a sad and contrite cheetah on my doorstep, who’s got his charm on full, and who instantly starts pouring love onto the wee little kitties, and we’ll see how well i still remember that

if instead he jumps right into trying to guilt trip me, it might be a little easier to remember my position

if he calls and is still in the hospital, i’ll be relieved. he’ll definitely be guilt tripping me then

or he might just disappear as he goes up to his denver drug hookup boyfriend’s place and does drugs for a couple more days

but this is cheetah: he’ll find a way to do something completely different that i can’t foresee at all