thursday, three days later

the roller coaster goes up, the roller coaster goes down

back on monday we sexed and had that big conversation and we definitely still hated each other. but we kept hanging out through the day anyway

i’m definitely twitchy. you know how i was speculating some layer of protection is gone? there was a point he’s getting scratchy and mean and i growl and object and when he doesn’t stop i catch his hand where his claws are in my chest and i realize i’ve got him in the hold for second wrist lock. this matters because apparently the damage i did to him in the fight was i sprained his wrist, kinda like maybe i used this same technique that night. but anyway, i toss his hand away and send him out of my room for a while

he came back again and we kept working on it. ended up sexing two more times through the day

then tuesday, he’s on his way out the door to work and i say “have a good one.” he seems surprised and says back, “i love you too.” i think he just mis-heard me. so wednesday he’s on his way out to work and he says “i love you,” and i have to say back “i love you too”

wednesday honestly was pretty nice. cheetah was in a very rare snuggly mood in the afternoon and we just kind of cuddled in bed for a while. then we ended up boning again, then he went to work

like usual i was asleep before he got home. i think he may have gotten in early even. i woke around twelve-thirty or so and went pee, and he was on the phone, drunk and jovial, chatting with a friend. he hollered at me that he’d brought me a present, and to look in the fridge. nice little meal of ribs in a to-go box sits waiting

i go back to bed. later i think i hear him pumping the tire on his bike, but think nothing of it. he sometimes does bike maintenance at weird hours

no, turns out he was leaving. i woke again around sunrise and when i went to start my day i found the house lights were still on and cheetah was gone

he tip-toed back in around nine or so in the morning. we talked a little, but i ultimately took a nap rather than try to hold a conversation with him right then

it’s not that he’s acting crazy. quite the contrary, cheetah high like this is almost the most pure of focus and inquisitive of mind i ever see him

it’s just, i guess i’m uncomfortable to be around him like this. his state seems fragile, like i have to pick every word and response carefully, lest i break the balance he has going. he is incredibly susceptible to suggestion, and i’m nervous about having too much power over him. and finally, he’s regularly prone to his mood sagging where he just hates on himself and is kind of inconsolable about it

i also know a worse part is coming. right now he’s still somewhat high. by tomorrow the drugs will have worn off more, and he’s going to be feeling a lot of pain and be pretty grumpy for it

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