a week goes by

cheetah’s drug recovery this time, while painful for him, seemed somewhat on the lighter side of the trips i’ve seen. it’s now almost a week later, so we can start seeing who he’s landed as this time

or maybe it’s a little early still?

he had monday off and he was uncharacteristically snuggly. he came in my room and crawled into my bed and pushed my laptop out of the way. we cuddled and spooned for a while, which is extremely rare with this cat. then we did some bonings because of opportunity and fun. then we snuggled for a bit more and got up finally to rinse off. then we repeated the whole cycle a second time, before going out to get groceries together

tuesday he had work and we barely saw each other. i just sat in my room and focused on code all day

today he wakes around 2 when i’m coming in from walkies, and a bit later he comes into my room. i ask if it’s snuggle time, and he seems affronted and says “not in here, it’s hard to breathe!” then he starts to mime gagging and spitting, and keeps it up even after he’s gotten his clothes from the dresser and is leaving the room

so let me run that by again: on monday he hangs out with me in my room while i’m vaping, and wants to cuddle and spoon. on wednesday a mere momentary encounter makes him act like he’s gagging from revulsion. i promise, naught changed about my position, and heck, it’s even the exact same container of weed

the roller coaster goes up, the roller coaster goes down

for my part, i’m of mixed point of view too. i kind of want to hang out? i try to hang out for a minute or two now and then? we even watched a movie together a few days ago! but it hardly takes a wrong word to send me scurrying off to my room again

i totally love cooking, but i haven’t cooked a real meal in a month and a week now, because it feels wrong

i haven’t used my big computer in the office in just as long. even if he’s not home, just hanging out in the other rooms of the house is anxiety-inducing, because he might come home at any moment. if i do see him approaching the house, i trot back to my room as fast as i can and try to not be seen

back over the weekend, while it seemed we were friends again and he was off at work, i bought a game on my new playstation. i played it for two hours, then spent another half hour telling fox how weird it felt to have access to parts of my own house again

but that was a whole four or so days ago. an eternity in the cheetahverse

today i don’t think he has work. my plan is to hang out in my room and play with my laptop again for the rest of the day

it really sucks, because i had a rough day on my coding project yesterday. i did probably a fifteen hour day, and spent almost half of that chasing literally one bug. the big problem with working on a decade-long project that nobody understands, is that there is also nobody who can give me a pep talk about hanging in there when i need it

i find myself daydreaming of having a supportive partner who could cheer me on

i daydream of having my own house back. being able to cook. being able to sit in a chair at my computer desk, rather than working all day propped in my bed with my laptop on my legs

but then i remember i did that before. i did several years here without cheetah, and i was worse off then than i am now

these days at least i have these wee little kitties who keep me company. pen was grooming my hand again a bit ago, even though i haven’t been gone

i’d absolutely miss cheetah if he left for good. gods, i know i would

i’m not sure that’s going to stop me from pushing him out though. i’ve pushed out boyfriends before when i had to, even knowing i’d be sad

chee-spot feels more than those though. a few days back we were having a moment and i reassured him he’s the most powerful person i know. he broke down in tears when i said it. he didn’t explain why, but i think he appreciated it

yet the primary way he uses his power is to tear people down. even when he tries to reign himself in, like he has been for me lately, i still feel myself reducing

what did i muse the other day? he inspires my own self-evolution?

apparently the way i’m currently evolving is to fit the angle between this mattress and this wall

addendum: it is now about midnight, same day

cheetah cooked for us!

earlier in the day, we interact a few times, and he says some things about planning to cook

then out of the blue he suddenly claims that i like to have people tell me what to think. i defend that that’s a human trait we all have. he said he doesn’t ever believe what he’s told. i point out he has beliefs anyway, things i don’t believe, and he had to have learned those things somehow. i remind him that we believe things because of the channel we learn them from, not at all because of any characteristic of the thing itself

this is the basic principle of epistemology, and it’s an idea we’ve talked about many times before

but this soured hanging out for me and i wandered off to my room. then later, around seven or so in the evening, i heard lots of activity. around an hour later i went out and some green chili enchiladas were done. i asked if i could get into them, and he sarcastically ran around on answering for a moment, but finally got there and agreed

mind you, i braised a big batch of carnitas last week and he had about ⅔ of the half i didn’t freeze, so it’s not like he really was making the first move here

but nevertheless, his enchiladas were very tasty. i love green chili, and he made these very well

so in thanks, i hung out and watched an hour or two of tele with him. he was halfway drinked, but downplaying it. i did my drinking earlier in the day and was pretty much sober by this point

i don’t really like drunk cheetah, because he lands on either happy and boisterous, which i find tiring, or angry and belligerent, which is where we have risk of a fight

yet i owed him a try, so i tried. we tried to chat about putin and other things. he taught me something about the pyramids in egypt. jokingly he asked if he could borrow my car keys

at least i took that one as a joke. i replied no, and when he asked why not i said wherever that conversation was heading it was a bad idea

after tele i went and got a shower and started bedding down. a bit later, feeling really lonely, i decided to risk another contact. i went out to the bathroom and on the way by i thanked him for the enchiladas again, and mentioned i was open to some snuggles if he’d rather do that than watch the show he didn’t seem to be enjoying. he complains about weed smell and i reply my room is all aired out

about a half hour later he bravely comes in and lays down next to me

ally-kitty is ecstatic and immediately wedges himself between us

cheetah and i try to chat. we both kind of pet the kitty. i try to put a hand on cheetah but he doesn’t seem to want to be touched, so i go back to petting ally. ally is a good moderator between us

but tonight cheetah’s drunk has slipped into angry belligerent, and nasty things just keep slipping out in his words

he’s sarcastic about the walkies i went on today, like he’s impressed i didn’t just go drive around all day. i mean, i’ve been doing very muddy walkies every two or three days for weeks, and he’s been aware of that, but sure, he’s acting surprised about it today

he hopes my property in the hills burns down this summer. it’s a total waste of money, he says, and calls it a “throne to sloth and gluttony.” i reply that would make a good book title

he suddenly sneaks in a serious thing and challenges that i’ve been avoiding him. i agree, and admit i’m still not really comfortable sharing space yet. he says “obviously” and changes topic again

mostly he wants to bitch about his life in general. he launches into a favorite subject, which is how nobody believes the unrealistic situations he always has to deal with and they call him a liar for it. apparently it’s his sister who has called him a liar recently. then he goes on to say it’s also his mom, and his coworkers

and he complains again about weed. in his mind, the difference between two days ago and today is that somehow i was blowing my vape out the window two days ago, but not today. you know, from the exact same position in my room, here at the top of the bed, halfway across the room from the window, which is open to the exact same notch

when he starts going on about how i have to “always lie about life to get by,” i finally start to complain, “i’m sorry cheetah but this isn’t working.” i’m not even finished with the words and he’s already getting up, agreeing that he’s done too

as he leaves my room i say “thank you for trying.” he replies back, “thank you for not trying at all”

i know he’s perceptive enough to have seen me try. i know he’s smart enough to know half the bullshit he said doesn’t hang together. when he gets like this, it feels he’s just throwing out fight bait that he doesn’t even believe. i think he just wants to be mean, to make me deal with it, because reasons

i put on my meditation timer and work on staying settled. the temptation to go out for a random drive is definitely there

in my head i keep asking myself, would i really miss this?

i know i would miss the excitement of cheetah

and he has sourced some of my absolute happiest moments

but really, as unpleasant as this conversation was, it wasn’t way out of line for cheetah. a pretty average conversation, really, for when he’s drunk and angry at the world. truly, the most unusual part was how willing he was to let the conversation drop when i asked for it. usually he’d go on at length still, then after eventually leaving my room he’d hop on the phone and loudly bad-mouth me to his friends for a while

today, he left quickly then loudly started cleaning the kitchen instead

he’s still shy about fights with me too, i guess

then a smidge later he tip-toed in and grabbed a jacket from the closet. i still had my meditation timer going, so i just lay still and pretended to not be aware of him

he’s gone by now. his bikes are here, and he’s been drinking so he couldn’t take his car. he left on foot, maybe? benefit of the doubt says he’s just out for a walk

except his backpack is gone, which is a little weird for a late night stroll around the neighborhood

who am i kidding, we all know he went out to do a dope-fueled hookup

i wonder what version of him will come back tomorrow?