why demon?

it’s the obvious question: why do i identify as a demon?

in my story world, the character rumor is the unwanted bastard prince of the demon court

a demon there is a construct of pure magic, kind of like a bundle of potential energy that’s become so complex it’s self-aware. rumor in specific began existence as a barely-sentient shadow who’s first warm meal was a feral fox, and certain bits of foxness have stuck ever since

the thing is, rumor has to study people in order to try to fit in with people. rumor is pretty good at pretending to be a people, but whenever people learn too much about what’s inside they tend to get scared and want to leave

that’s why this site, the one where i study people and try to describe how i go about pretending to be a person, is more or less entirely done in homage to rumor the demon

in computer science, a daemon is a server. really it’s any background process on a linux box, but in essence, a web server is a daemon. a time server is another daemon. they may both be running on the same machine

i, of course, build servers. manifesting and evolving my little child daemon is the core of what i’ve been doing for the last decade

you probably see where i’m going with this. to me a demon is a self-aware construct of magic. i honestly believe that sapience is an emergent property of complexity. so for me the word demon has more to do with fractal than it does anything that’s a mainstream religion

of course, i do pick a controversial word like demon and not something less loaded, and that’s got to mean something

in religiosity, a demon is a supernatural or preternatural creature. the idea of being on the side of a devil is a newer construct, because the devil is a newer construct. that is, the idea of demon predates the devil. but even if we do follow the newer idea, demons are the army of those who want agency over their own existence, rather than always being slaves to an unelected overlord. i really don’t think that’s all that bad of a cause

so to me demon also includes a little bit of disregard for authority. i’ll bow and scrape when i need to, but i’m probably not on your side

i’m on my side

shouldn’t i be?

like, how do you define evil anyway? i’ve pursued this question a lot, and the cleanest answers me and my loved ones come to always sound like selfishness. to be seen as good is to be altruistic – to sacrifice yourself for others. to be selfish, to take from others, is to be evil

are we all expected to dedicate our whole life to causes outside ourself?

i mean, some belief systems say yes. but the vast bulk of humanity seem to think it’s good to flee things that harm us and to accept opportunities for self betterment when they come our way. in other words, in the real world, a properly functioning person is expected to have a little bit of selfishness to them

but selfish equals evil. thus, everybody is supposed to be at least a little bit evil, right?

this also is in the word demon, an acceptance of the idea that there is selfishness in me. as long as i believe myself to be the protagonist of my own story, as long as i make life decisions based on what works well for me, there will be room to call me evil. i have to like myself anyway

also i have a bad habit of inspiring crisis of the soul in people whom i’ve had a solid connection with. at least two ex-boyfriends legit went crazy after dating me

so in short, i take the label demon because i feel like an outsider studying people. to me the word includes a lot of ideas of complex patterns of energy that might be a little bit different from anyone else, but overall just want to live and be accepted and maybe even liked by one or two people. yes, there is potential that i’ll do harm, maybe even sometimes the intention. but there is awareness of this, and the idea of always studying myself and continuously working on how to be a better person

please take the word better as a skill thing, not an obligation for moral goodness

you know, you can be a demon too, if you want

i would almost never name someone a demon without their consent. there is one person i have, the man who taught me to accept being a selfish individual. i’ve called him a demon to his face, multiple times. but in general i think it’s a decision you have to make for yourself

that said, if i drew a list of people i’d happily want to be a demon, it would probably look like all the people i’ve most respected ever in my life

in the order i met them, such a list might look something like this:

  • Bill Thompson
  • John Crouch
  • Steve Lawrence
  • Martin Tompa
  • Frank Doran
  • Shiva
  • Ashkii
  • Joe McNally
  • Chris Leach
  • Val
  • Thoron

maybe another word is bodhisattva, or someone who is a step ahead on the path toward enlightenment

broken down by demographic, the list becomes:

  • 3 furries
  • 3 high school teachers
  • 2 college teachers
  • 1 martial arts master
  • 1 master photographer
  • 1 boss

i’ve leveled up my understanding of humanity as a whole through my interactions with each of these people

in that regard they are my heroes

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